My life’s been a series of ups and downs in the months that I’ve been away – I’ve been both good and evil, huge and little, broad and narrow, happy and sad, proud and ashamed, loved, unloved, and loved again. There was a time when I was left without any explanation; I felt betrayed. I had episodes of depression and had no one to run to for comfort; I felt neglected. There were moments when I was overwhelmed with happiness but didn’t have anyone to share it with; I felt alone. But hey, I’m still alive. To be fair, there were also those times when people showed they valued and needed me, and I felt loved.
Work. I wanted to believe that I made the right decision in choosing my job. Because I was already behind the race with my high school batchmates starting their career 4 years ahead of me, I felt like I didn’t have the luxury of time to shift careers. A few months into my first job, I was enthusiastic and positive, never giving up until work is done. But after some time, I started losing my interest and passion. I was dominated by uselessness and insecurity and was demotivated. I began questioning why I was there in the first place and what I really wanted to do – but found no answer. This internal crisis affected my performance at work and even my relationship with my senior, which later caused me to request for a departmental transfer to where I think I’d be ‘happier’ in.
Family. The complexity of my family’s situation have made me grow tired of enumerating everything that’s wrong with them – and I completely accept this fact. But I recently learned something new about them, something I find unbearable. However grateful I am for the support and love they’ve given me all these years, I can’t seem to erase the fact that they who I most expected to back me up were actually the first ones to judge me when they found out I’m gay. I was expecting acceptance. Nuff said.
Love. The feeling of betrayal isn’t easy to overcome especially when it’s brought upon by someone you’ve entrusted your life with. Recovering from that period in my life had been the most challenging for me, and I find myself lucky that I was able to do so as it’s not something that everyone can surpass. What happened left a scar in my heart, a constant reminder of the pain I had to endure, of everything I had gone through and the fact that I was my only savior. As a result, I became wary of showing my emotions and letting others know that I care, because I’m afraid to get hurt again. I’m afraid I won’t hear the response I want to hear again. I’m afraid to be let down again. I’m afraid again. Nonetheless, love is greater. The feeling of betrayal isn’t easy to overcome especially when it’s brought upon by someone you’ve entrusted your life with. And I promise never to do it to her. I can’t safely say that I have fully recovered now, but I know I will be in time. This is how I love. We got back together.
Betrayal, failure, defeat.
Accept, learn, recover.