Weak and Helpless

J, my youngest brother, (half-)outed me this evening while we were watching TV with mom.

Backtrack: A few weeks ago, one of my cousins told me J’s girlfriend, W, cheated on him. When J found out about this, they broke up but reconciled after realizing everybody deserves a second chance (meh). Tonight, Mom told me she found W’s letter to J while she was cleaning his closet earlier. In the letter, W apologized for slapping J’s face for the second time. I felt mom’s rage as she told me about the content of the letter. Truth be told, I don’t remember seeing mom lay her hands on him to punish him for anything stupid or disrespectful he’s done. (that lucky bastard)

Anyhow, I’ve never really liked W. But he never heard it from me because I wanted to be accepting. I also wanted to respect his choice and his feelings for W, even after I heard about the cheating. For the longest time, I kept my mouth shut. But slapping? Oh no, that’s it, I thought. I won’t let it pass. There are so many more decent girls out there. J’s only starting and he deserves better.

So J came in my room. Because mom was there, I thought I’d grab the opportunity to finally let him know that I don’t like his girlfriend, state my reasons, and tell him the kinds of girls he should avoid (i.e., W is the kind of girl he should avoid). And that I did. Perhaps, I went a little overboard. Perhaps, being the protective sister I was, I hurt his feelings. Perhaps, he was already too deep in love to accept the fact that there are so many things we dislike about W, so he took his revenge in this way….

“How about you? You have a girlfriend. Why do you have a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend? Why don’t you find a boyfriend? Are you a lesbian? You want to be like the ones in the show, My Husband’s Lover? My (something, I can’t remember) wife.”

“You want me to be like H? Like A? Like mom and dad? Like Tito O and Tita G?” (Examples of family members who got pregnant without getting married or married couples that are now separated. I know, it was a very lame answer. It wasn’t even a concrete argument.)

“You can be like Tito Y and Tita I, Tito D and Tita E. You wanna be like Aiza, Charice…?” (blah, blah, blah… I stopped listening and turned to texting my girlfriend to seek refuge at this point.)

I can’t believe my brother used my sexuality to taunt me. And I find it unfair that he did it without stopping to think for a second of how sensitive this issue is and that we are clearly not on the same playing field. What’s more, he kept on bringing it out when we were with other people making it impossible for me to answer back.

And more importantly, he disrespected me as her older sister. Because I said things about his girlfriend which were facts, by the way, he threw away all the sacrifices I made for him to come to her defense.

I wanted to shout. To let him know that I’m offended. To cry. To laugh. To lock myself in my room. To ignore J the entire week. To go out. To move out. I’m freakin frustrated that I can’t defend myself because that would mean coming out (since mom was just beside us). But I can’t just do that because I wasn’t ready. And when it comes to this topic, I fold. Just like that, I cave in. That’s the problem with me.

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