Leaving

One of my closest high school friends is about to leave for Australia in less than a week. If I remember correctly, she has enrolled in a 3-year program and will eventually work there as a nurse. In as much as I’m excited for what the future holds for her, and I know that she’ll definitely go a long way, the fact that another of my friends is going away is beginning to make me sad. What makes it harder is that she’s one of the very few who I often spend time with. One of the few who’s always on-the-go even on unplanned roadtrips. One of the few I’m most comfortable being crazy with, no matter what happened in our past. And with her gone, I’m sure things will all be different.

But this is her dream: to go abroad and make lots of money, to be independent, be free and live far from her family, but eventually come home and retire here. Mine too. It’s our dream. Some time back, I remember we used to talk about how we can’t wait to leave the country to live on our own whenever we’re pissed at home. I remember how we exchanged horror stories (i.e., rage against our moms) and take each other’s side and promised ourselves that we’d make it wherever we choose to go. We were so sure that we’ll be successful and we’ll prove ourselves to others. These were some of the things we bonded over. In many ways, we think alike the same way we dream alike. She’s like the best friend I never had. And now that the time is right for her, I’m glad that these things are about to come true. Except, of course, that she’s going there without me. I feel like I can’t do anything but just watch a part of me disappear. I don’t want to sound selfish nor do I want to admit it, but I don’t think I’m ready to let her go. And I also don’t want to say it, but I’ll surely miss her… a lot. We all will.

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Here’s my thought, where’s my penny?

My girlfriend and I are turning 6 tomorrow. We should be in a festive mood, right? Not many (unmarried) couples (at least, none that I know of, regardless of being hetero or homo) make it this far. But we’ve been feeling a bit cold and distant lately, despite that we’ve actually been seeing more of each other for the past holiday season. It’s like we’re physically together, but our heart and mind are at some place else. What’s worse is that we’ve (I’ve) been feeling this for the last few weeks yet neither of us dare to fully lay it on the table.

So the other day, I accidentally opened the topic. As I have expected, we had a rough start and initially, we were both hesitant to go there. We basically talked about things related to our personal (unresolved) issues, our differences, our future together, and nourishing a relationship in a heteronormative society. Just to be clear, though, we’re okay now as far as we know.

However, I just have this nagging thought, one that I should have raised while we were still on it, but failed to afraid that she might take it the wrong way… I think that the root of our problem is not in the relationship per se, rather, our individual self. I hate to admit it, but we might have hurried to enter this commitment without settling our personal issues first that we unintentionally led it to affect something so beautiful. It’s like allowing a rotting apple in a basket of fresh ones. I’d like to think that being in this relationship is not a mistake, but maybe we got all too excited to get into it that we overlooked the importance of finding happiness and completeness within ourselves first before we find it in others. And perhaps this is what’s dragging us down. Because the way I see it, no matter how much we love each other, it will never be enough until we settle our issues on our own before it ruins everything we once knew was perfect.

The old game.

I’m finally starting to see things going my way until things went back to “normal”. By normal, I meant living without a father and having a brother sulk over this as an excuse for being alcoholic. I thought I couldn’t be any happier that our family was complete this Yuletide season only to find out that my dad left us (yet again) a couple of days ago. I texted him and tried to convince him to return but he just said that he wants to stand on his own feet and start over. I would like to believe him but based on his history, this is just another pattern–he’s said this before and just ended up even more wrecked than when he left. Still, we’ve given him as many second chances as he needed because families do that. Next time, however, I’m not sure if I or any of us will ever be able to do the same for him, even if we’re family.

Everything he’s doing is for himself. He always says that he’s finding out a way to make a living for us and all those other crappy excuses but we all know none of that was true and none of that ever became true. If he genuinely wants to help, he should’ve just given the money he kept to pay my brother’s tuition fee. That’s more practical. And that should temporarily alleviate the problem. But instead, he chose to use it to move away from us and live on his own only to come back when? When he has nowhere to go and nothing’s left of him again? Oh please, that game’s getting old.

I actually had a feeling that he was planning to leave and it felt stronger and nearer when he left for the Church’s parking lot quickly after we prayed (though he knew we still had to pay our respects to the holy images on the side of the Church). For a time, I tried to shut it off because the thought was too negative it was ruining our moment. I just wanted to indulge in the moment, which was, as we know it to be, once in a lifetime. I’m just glad that there was one person who I shared my burden with and it did help my heart feel lighter.

Right now, it’s easy for me to say that if given the opportunity to work away from home, I will, because that way I can (hopefully) be more focused on myself and my career. However, when I think about the family that I’d leave behind, especially my younger brothers, I don’t think I can, not until I’m sure that there’s someone I can trust who can guide them and look after them while I’m away.