The old game.

I’m finally starting to see things going my way until things went back to “normal”. By normal, I meant living without a father and having a brother sulk over this as an excuse for being alcoholic. I thought I couldn’t be any happier that our family was complete this Yuletide season only to find out that my dad left us (yet again) a couple of days ago. I texted him and tried to convince him to return but he just said that he wants to stand on his own feet and start over. I would like to believe him but based on his history, this is just another pattern–he’s said this before and just ended up even more wrecked than when he left. Still, we’ve given him as many second chances as he needed because families do that. Next time, however, I’m not sure if I or any of us will ever be able to do the same for him, even if we’re family.

Everything he’s doing is for himself. He always says that he’s finding out a way to make a living for us and all those other crappy excuses but we all know none of that was true and none of that ever became true. If he genuinely wants to help, he should’ve just given the money he kept to pay my brother’s tuition fee. That’s more practical. And that should temporarily alleviate the problem. But instead, he chose to use it to move away from us and live on his own only to come back when? When he has nowhere to go and nothing’s left of him again? Oh please, that game’s getting old.

I actually had a feeling that he was planning to leave and it felt stronger and nearer when he left for the Church’s parking lot quickly after we prayed (though he knew we still had to pay our respects to the holy images on the side of the Church). For a time, I tried to shut it off because the thought was too negative it was ruining our moment. I just wanted to indulge in the moment, which was, as we know it to be, once in a lifetime. I’m just glad that there was one person who I shared my burden with and it did help my heart feel lighter.

Right now, it’s easy for me to say that if given the opportunity to work away from home, I will, because that way I can (hopefully) be more focused on myself and my career. However, when I think about the family that I’d leave behind, especially my younger brothers, I don’t think I can, not until I’m sure that there’s someone I can trust who can guide them and look after them while I’m away.

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