My girlfriend and I are turning 6 tomorrow. We should be in a festive mood, right? Not many (unmarried) couples (at least, none that I know of, regardless of being hetero or homo) make it this far. But we’ve been feeling a bit cold and distant lately, despite that we’ve actually been seeing more of each other for the past holiday season. It’s like we’re physically together, but our heart and mind are at some place else. What’s worse is that we’ve (I’ve) been feeling this for the last few weeks yet neither of us dare to fully lay it on the table.
So the other day, I accidentally opened the topic. As I have expected, we had a rough start and initially, we were both hesitant to go there. We basically talked about things related to our personal (unresolved) issues, our differences, our future together, and nourishing a relationship in a heteronormative society. Just to be clear, though, we’re okay now as far as we know.
However, I just have this nagging thought, one that I should have raised while we were still on it, but failed to afraid that she might take it the wrong way… I think that the root of our problem is not in the relationship per se, rather, our individual self. I hate to admit it, but we might have hurried to enter this commitment without settling our personal issues first that we unintentionally led it to affect something so beautiful. It’s like allowing a rotting apple in a basket of fresh ones. I’d like to think that being in this relationship is not a mistake, but maybe we got all too excited to get into it that we overlooked the importance of finding happiness and completeness within ourselves first before we find it in others. And perhaps this is what’s dragging us down. Because the way I see it, no matter how much we love each other, it will never be enough until we settle our issues on our own before it ruins everything we once knew was perfect.