Choices…

Earlier today, I received an e-mail from one of the companies I applied to about half a year ago. It’s a Southeast Asian market research company looking for a country analyst in the Philippines. In the e-mail, I’m being offered a part-time post that pays almost three times what I’m getting from my current full-time job. So although there’s a clause in my employment contract that forbids me from taking any part-time or full-time work in another company without written consent from my employer, I’m actually considering taking the job because I need the money right now to help pay my brother’s school fees. If this other employer and I align, they’ll schedule me for another interview the soonest possible. I really hope I’m making the right choice!

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Perhaps because I’m the eldest, one of the most natural things for me to do is to look after my loved ones, especially my immediate family. I try to make sure they take care of themselves–that they eat the right food, stay away from vices/harm, do the right thing, remind them of their priorities, and whatnot. At the same time, I try to be independent–I worked for my own allowance and tuition for some years in college because I didn’t want to be a burden to my mom; whenever my salary would allow, I’d keep my share in the household expenses and give my brother allowance for school. My mom trained me to have these instincts, perhaps not intentionally. So yes, all my life I’ve been a mix of a mother and a father–one who does both the caring and the protecting. Which is why I’m too tired. In my relationship, I don’t want to be the only one who does these things. If only there’s someone who could hold me without being asked to; someone who’d be interested in how my day went and listen intently as I recount the events that transpired; someone who would understand that I, too, get tired. Just these and I might be a little happier. I might feel a little more loved.