Recovering…

My life’s been a series of ups and downs in the months that I’ve been away¬†– I’ve been both good and evil, huge and little, broad and narrow, happy and sad, proud and ashamed, loved, unloved, and loved again. There was a time when I was left without any explanation; I felt betrayed. I had episodes of depression and had no one to run to for comfort; I felt neglected. There were moments when I was overwhelmed with happiness but didn’t have anyone to share it with; I felt alone. But hey, I’m still alive. ūüôā To be fair,¬†there were also those¬†times when people showed they valued and needed me, and I felt loved.

Work. I wanted to believe that I made the right decision in choosing my job. Because I was already behind the race with my high school batchmates starting their career 4 years ahead of me,¬†I felt like¬†I didn’t¬†have the luxury of time to shift careers. A¬†few months into my first job, I was enthusiastic and positive, never giving up until work is done. But after some time, I started losing my interest and passion. I was dominated by uselessness and insecurity and was demotivated.¬†I began questioning why I was there in the first place and what I really wanted to do – but¬†found no answer. This internal crisis affected¬†my performance at work and even my relationship with my senior, which later caused me to request for a departmental transfer to where I think I’d be ‘happier’ in.

Family.¬†The complexity of my family’s situation¬†have made me grow¬†tired of enumerating everything that’s wrong with them¬†– and I completely accept this fact. But¬†I recently learned¬†something new about them, something I find unbearable. However grateful I am for the support and love they’ve given¬†me all these years, I can’t seem to erase the fact that they who I most expected to back me up were actually the first ones to judge me when they found out I’m gay. I was expecting acceptance. Nuff said.

Love. The feeling of betrayal isn’t¬†easy to overcome especially when it’s brought upon by someone you’ve entrusted your life with. Recovering from that period¬†in my life had been the most challenging for me, and¬†I find myself lucky that I was able to do so as it’s not something that everyone can surpass. What happened¬†left a scar in my heart, a constant reminder of the pain I had to endure, of everything I had gone through and the fact that I was my only savior. As a result, I became¬†wary of showing my emotions and letting others know that I care, because I’m¬†afraid to get hurt again. I’m¬†afraid I won’t hear the response I want to hear again. I’m afraid to be let down again. I’m¬†afraid again.¬†Nonetheless, love is greater.¬†The feeling of betrayal isn’t¬†easy to overcome especially when it’s brought upon by someone you’ve entrusted your life with. And¬†I promise never to¬†do it to her. I can’t safely say that I have fully recovered now, but I know I will be in time. This is how I love. We got back together. ūüôā

Betrayal, failure, defeat.

Accept, learn, recover.