The conflict.

It’s alright to be gay as long as gays don’t enter same-sex relationships.

I’m guessing you took that from the bible?

Yes. And it’s right. It’s impossible for gays to want to follow the right path when they can’t even do the right thing.

But I know very nice people who are gay and in a relationship.

No matter how nice they are, they’re still living in sin. But I don’t really wanna judge them. God doesn’t want that.

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Dealing with hurt.

When you know your partner is hurt because of something wrong you did…

Do you meet her sadness with anger? Do you call her to say that she’s getting to your nerves and that you’ll explode anytime if she doesn’t stop? Do you say that you’re too preoccupied with work or studies that you don’t have time for her nonsense? Do you tell her not to be that way, at least not now that you have other more important priorities to think of? Do you send her angry text messages demanding her not to dwell on the little things you said that didn’t really mean anything to you? Do you ask her if she wants you to leave and dare that you can do it anytime she says so?

Or can you not last a minute without knowing she’s fine? Do you say sorry for whatever it was that hurt her and vow that you’ll be more mindful next time? Do you pursue your apology even if she disregards your messages because you can’t sleep like this? Do tell her how much you love her and why you can’t live without her? Do you, instead, go out of your way to meet her, to apologize face to face, and give her a tight hug, despite a very busy schedule? Do you hold her hand to make her feel at ease, promise that you’ll never leave her and beg that she’d do the same?

If you were the partner, what would you do?

Ang pag-ibig at ang pag-aaral.

Ang pag-ibig ay parang pag-aaral. Kapag nilaktawan mo ang elementary at dumiretso ka sa high school, mahihirapan kang sagutin ang mas mahihirap na katanungan sa Math at English dahil hindi mo naman alam ang basic. Parang sa love, ‘pag di ka dumaan sa ligaw stage, sa kalaunan ay mahihirapan kang i-maintain yung kilig factor dahil hindi mo naman natutunang manligaw at magpakilig.

Bakit ko ba ‘to sinasabi? Kahapon kasi, nagdemand si misis na pakiligin ko daw siya (with matching conditions pa). Natigilan ako, unang una dahil para sa’kin, synonymous siya sa ‘panliligaw’ at iyon ang hindi ko pa nagagawa sa buong buhay ko. Aminado ako, marunong akong manlandi, pero juskopo, manligaw hindi. Ang dami kong nilandi dati at (sa tingin ko) kumakagat naman sila. Kaya ‘yon, hindi pa ‘ko nanligaw kahit kelan dahil parang hindi naman na kailangan. (Echos!)

So ito ang pinoproblema ko ngayon. Game ako sa challenge, pero hindi ko pa alam kung pa’no. Tinanong ko siya kung may nagawa na ba ko ever na nakapagpakilig sa kanya, tas sabi niya kapag hinohold ko daw ‘yung hand niya bigla or kahit na bigyan ko lang siya ng chocolate (depende kung masarap daw, LOL). Pero ‘pag iniisip ko ‘yung mga sinabi niya, parang para sa’kin hindi naman nakakakilig ‘yung mga ‘yon. Saka parang ‘pag ginagawa ko kasi ‘yon hindi naman siya mukhang kinikilig.¬†Unlike ‘pag siya ‘yung may ginagawa, sinasabi ko na kinikilig ako para alam niya. Kaya for me, ito siguro ‘yung downside ng same-sex relationships, kasi hindi pwedeng isa lang ang nanliligaw. Eh ito pa naman ‘yung weakness ko. Hindi naman sa nagrereklamo ako. :p

Weak and Helpless

J, my youngest brother, (half-)outed me this evening while we were watching TV with mom.

Backtrack: A few weeks ago, one of my cousins told me J’s girlfriend, W, cheated on him. When J found out about this, they broke up but reconciled after realizing everybody deserves a second chance (meh). Tonight, Mom told me she found W’s letter to J while she was cleaning his closet earlier. In the letter, W apologized for slapping J’s face for the second time. I felt mom’s rage as she told me about the content of the letter. Truth be told, I don’t remember seeing mom lay her hands on him to punish him for anything stupid or disrespectful he’s done. (that lucky bastard)

Anyhow, I’ve never really liked W. But he never heard it from me because I wanted to be accepting. I also wanted to respect his choice and his feelings for W, even after I heard about the cheating. For the longest time, I kept my mouth shut. But slapping? Oh no, that’s it, I thought. I won’t let it pass. There are so many more decent girls out there. J’s only starting and he deserves better.

So J came in my room. Because mom was there, I thought I’d grab the opportunity to finally let him know that I don’t like his girlfriend, state my reasons, and tell him the kinds of girls he should avoid (i.e., W is the kind of girl he should avoid). And that I did. Perhaps, I went a little overboard. Perhaps, being the protective sister I was, I hurt his feelings. Perhaps, he was already too deep in love to accept the fact that there are so many things we dislike about W, so he took his revenge in this way….

“How about you? You have a girlfriend. Why do you have a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend? Why don’t you find a boyfriend? Are you a lesbian? You want to be like the ones in the show, My Husband’s Lover? My (something, I can’t remember) wife.”

“You want me to be like H? Like A? Like mom and dad? Like Tito O and Tita G?” (Examples of family members who got pregnant without getting married or married couples that are now separated. I know, it was a very lame answer. It wasn’t even a concrete argument.)

“You can be like Tito Y and Tita I, Tito D and Tita E. You wanna be like Aiza, Charice…?” (blah, blah, blah… I stopped listening and turned to texting my girlfriend to seek refuge at this point.)

I can’t believe my brother used my sexuality to taunt me. And I find it unfair that he did it without stopping to think for a second of how sensitive this issue is and that we are clearly not on the same playing field. What’s more, he kept on bringing it out when we were with other people making it impossible for me to answer back.

And more importantly, he disrespected me as her older sister. Because I said things about his girlfriend which were facts, by the way, he threw away all the sacrifices I made for him to come to her defense.

I wanted to shout. To let him know that I’m offended. To cry. To laugh. To lock myself in my room. To ignore J the entire week. To go out. To move out. I’m freakin frustrated that I can’t defend myself because that would mean coming out (since mom was just beside us). But I can’t just do that because I wasn’t ready. And when it comes to this topic, I fold. Just like that, I cave in. That’s the problem with me.