Recovering…

My life’s been a series of ups and downs in the months that I’ve been away¬†– I’ve been both good and evil, huge and little, broad and narrow, happy and sad, proud and ashamed, loved, unloved, and loved again. There was a time when I was left without any explanation; I felt betrayed. I had episodes of depression and had no one to run to for comfort; I felt neglected. There were moments when I was overwhelmed with happiness but didn’t have anyone to share it with; I felt alone. But hey, I’m still alive. ūüôā To be fair,¬†there were also those¬†times when people showed they valued and needed me, and I felt loved.

Work. I wanted to believe that I made the right decision in choosing my job. Because I was already behind the race with my high school batchmates starting their career 4 years ahead of me,¬†I felt like¬†I didn’t¬†have the luxury of time to shift careers. A¬†few months into my first job, I was enthusiastic and positive, never giving up until work is done. But after some time, I started losing my interest and passion. I was dominated by uselessness and insecurity and was demotivated.¬†I began questioning why I was there in the first place and what I really wanted to do – but¬†found no answer. This internal crisis affected¬†my performance at work and even my relationship with my senior, which later caused me to request for a departmental transfer to where I think I’d be ‘happier’ in.

Family.¬†The complexity of my family’s situation¬†have made me grow¬†tired of enumerating everything that’s wrong with them¬†– and I completely accept this fact. But¬†I recently learned¬†something new about them, something I find unbearable. However grateful I am for the support and love they’ve given¬†me all these years, I can’t seem to erase the fact that they who I most expected to back me up were actually the first ones to judge me when they found out I’m gay. I was expecting acceptance. Nuff said.

Love. The feeling of betrayal isn’t¬†easy to overcome especially when it’s brought upon by someone you’ve entrusted your life with. Recovering from that period¬†in my life had been the most challenging for me, and¬†I find myself lucky that I was able to do so as it’s not something that everyone can surpass. What happened¬†left a scar in my heart, a constant reminder of the pain I had to endure, of everything I had gone through and the fact that I was my only savior. As a result, I became¬†wary of showing my emotions and letting others know that I care, because I’m¬†afraid to get hurt again. I’m¬†afraid I won’t hear the response I want to hear again. I’m afraid to be let down again. I’m¬†afraid again.¬†Nonetheless, love is greater.¬†The feeling of betrayal isn’t¬†easy to overcome especially when it’s brought upon by someone you’ve entrusted your life with. And¬†I promise never to¬†do it to her. I can’t safely say that I have fully recovered now, but I know I will be in time. This is how I love. We got back together. ūüôā

Betrayal, failure, defeat.

Accept, learn, recover.

Advertisements

Miss na kita…

Siguro dahil sa alam kong malayo yung pinuntahan mo. Siguro dahil mahirap ang signal diyan at maaga kang natutulog kaya hindi tayo nakakapag-usap kahit anong oras natin gusto. Pero kahit sa tinipid-tipid ng pag-uusap natin eh nasusungitan kita, gusto kong malaman mo na sobrang nami-miss na kita at ang iyong mahigpit na yakap.

(Rated G po tayo. Haha!)

Leaving

One of my closest high school¬†friends is about to leave for Australia in less than a week. If I remember correctly, she has enrolled in a 3-year program and will eventually work there as a nurse. In as much as I’m excited for what the future holds for her, and I know that she’ll definitely go a long way, the fact that another of my friends is going away is beginning to make me sad. What makes it harder is that she’s one of the very few who I often spend time with. One of the few who’s always on-the-go even on unplanned roadtrips. One of the few I’m most comfortable being crazy with, no matter what happened in our past. And with her gone, I’m sure things will all be different.

But this is her dream: to go abroad and make lots of money, to be independent, be free and live far from her family, but eventually come home and retire here. Mine too. It’s our dream. Some time back, I remember we used to talk about how we can’t wait to leave the country to live on our own whenever we’re pissed at home. I remember how we exchanged horror stories (i.e., rage against our moms) and take each other’s side and promised ourselves that we’d make it wherever we choose to go. We were so sure that we’ll be successful and we’ll prove ourselves to others. These were some of the things we bonded over. In many ways, we think alike the same way we dream alike. She’s like the best friend I never had. And now that the time is right for her,¬†I’m glad that these things are about to come true. Except, of course, that she’s going there without me. I feel like I can’t do anything but just watch a part of me disappear.¬†I don’t want to sound selfish nor do I want to admit it, but I don’t think I’m ready to let her go. And I also don’t want to say it, but I’ll surely miss her… a lot. We all will.

Here’s my thought, where’s my penny?

My girlfriend and I are turning 6 tomorrow. We should be in a festive mood, right? Not many (unmarried) couples (at least, none that I know of, regardless of being hetero or homo) make it this far. But we’ve been feeling a bit cold and distant lately, despite that we’ve actually been seeing more of each other for the past holiday season. It’s like we’re physically together, but our heart and mind are at some place else. What’s worse is that we’ve (I’ve) been feeling this for the last few weeks yet neither of us dare to fully lay it on the table.

So the other day, I accidentally opened the topic. As I have expected, we had a rough start and initially,¬†we were both hesitant to go there. We basically talked about things related to our personal (unresolved) issues, our differences, our future together, and nourishing a relationship in a heteronormative society.¬†Just to be clear, though, we’re okay now as far as we know.

However, I just have this nagging thought, one that I should have raised while we were still on it, but failed to afraid that she might take it the wrong way… I think that the root of our problem is not in the relationship per se, rather, our individual self. I hate to admit it, but we might have hurried to enter this commitment without settling our personal issues first that we unintentionally led it to affect something so beautiful. It’s like allowing a rotting apple in a basket of fresh ones. I’d like to think that being in this relationship is not a mistake, but maybe we got all too excited to get into it that we overlooked the importance of¬†finding happiness and completeness within ourselves first before we find it in others. And perhaps this is what’s dragging us down. Because the way I see it, no matter how much we love each other, it will never be enough until we settle our issues on our own before¬†it ruins everything we once knew was perfect.

Happiness is a choice.

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 6 years now, but there are still some things about me that I don’t want her to see or hear–deep, dark family secrets that could drive anyone crazy except for me because (I believe) my years of experience have made me stronger. I thought it might be better to keep these things to myself.

This afternoon, she said she was depressed. Despite not knowing why, I had a feeling it was about her career and some other things that she can’t do because of it. I wanted to tell her how lucky she was that at least she has a job and how grateful she should be that there’s always her mother to depend on because there are people out there who are experiencing worse (i.e., me). What could be worse than the fact that I’ve only graduated recently and I’m looking for my first job at mid-20’s when most of our batchmates were already buying their own cars out of their earnings? What could be more unfortunate than growing up in a dysfunctional family with my mother barely spending time with her children because she had to work for a living, yet her earnings are still not enough to sustain our needs? And what could be more depressing than eating rice and soup on some days because the only food you have on your table is the leftover¬†sinigang¬†or¬†nilaga that you had for dinner last night? At least she doesn’t get to experience these.

But I still don’t get why she chooses to be sad.¬†My life is literally a mess as it is, yet I don’t dwell on the things that would ruin me. Yes, sometimes I breakdown because I, too, am human. But I don’t make it a habit. I often tell her to quit those depressing thoughts because it won’t help her, and she told me that being happy won’t make a difference either. Just like this, she always had something to say. But in the end, it is her choice if she wants to win over herself and just accept the challenges that life brings. Whoever said that there’s an end to one’s problems anyway?

Personal Branding

It’s funny that two nights ago, my girlfriend and I were just talking about personal branding and how they were being encouraged to dress up a certain way at work so as to develop better branding for their company. Then yesterday morning, while giving myself a last look in the mirror before I left for my interview, my mom told me that I’m not getting the job because I wasn’t wearing make-up. I gave her the usual sarcastic laugh before delivering my speech.

See, I hate wearing make-up and I believe that I look better without it. But when people ask me, I just say that I’m allergic to cosmetics. Then, they’d argue that there’s now what they call hypo-allergenic make-up and I’ve no excuse anymore.

But why is it such a big deal? Can’t they just respect that not all women like putting on make-up? I mean, isn’t it enough that I’m dressed up nicely and I communicate myself effectively in the interview (not to mention the credentials detailed in my CV) that I still have to wear it for companies to consider me? Or is it just my mom? Because I’ve seen a lot of professionals in the middle and upper management who don’t wear make-up at all, but made it to the top. So…

I’m not saying that I have the worst problems in the world, but I’m carrying a really heavy burden that’s very difficult to carry alone. Which is why I was hoping (but probably expecting too much) that you could at least listen to help me ease off some of the weight that’s on my shoulders. I’m not asking you to solve anything, all you can do for me is lend an ear. Sana.